Wayne Cutts Profile

Wayne Cutts

Career

Wayne Cutts: Debut: 1998.

Proof that a cricketer’s value can never be judged purely in terms of wickets and runs. Just as well really because if Cutts was judged solely in terms of production there’s no jury in the land that could get him off. Twenty years for impersonating a cricketer and no prospect of parole – he’d probably be fined for wasting the court’s time as well.

Yet despite a lack of talent and opportunity that would have led to Gandhi mounting a protest movement on his behalf, Cutts has established himself as an integral part of the club. He has made himself an invaluable member of the club due to his willingness to umpire, score and drive. On the field he has established himself as something of a specialist square leg fielder, always happy to chat to the umpire or throw himself enthusiastically into the path of the ball as the situation directs. Cutts has perfected the are of sliding across the outfield with the verve and aplomb of ice skater Jayne Torville taking to her knees in anticipation of coming to rest under Christopher Dean’s thrusting groin.

Cutts is perhaps the best leg spinner at the club and has a cunning googly. However, he often struggles to land the ball on the strip with inevitable repercussions. Last season he was unable to complete his only over against Lilley after succumbing to exhaustion after delivering 19 wides and was forced to retire in tears to the outfield, shuffling away like a dejected Britney Spears after being refused a fourth helping of ice cream. That performance earned him the 2006 Skirt of the Year award.

Despite his bowling and fielding Cutts is most famous for his batting. At the start of the season he averaged 3.56 with the bat, a career mark boosted by a sparkling 18 not out against Steppingley when he batted for an hour and later boasted that he had never thought about getting out. Beat that Bradman.

Yet despite the odd smeared piece of brilliance over midwicket, Cutts is a terrible batsman. The disability of colour blindness and his struggle to pick up a red ball on a green background does not help (which isn’t to say he’d be in the England team if he played under floodlights every week) but ultimately it his chronic lack of talent that betrays him. Cutts’ willingness to play down the wrong line or attempt the paddle sweep to a ball on middle stump has resulted in him earning the dubious reputation as the worst batsman in the club’s history.

Any man who claims he once threw his wicket away without scoring on the grounds that he was bored is probably beyond realistic hope of salvation.