A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MATTHEW FREEMAN - aged 21 and three quarters

8:22am:     bad start to the day as I reach over to turn off my alarm and sprain my wrist in the process.

8:24am:     leap out of bed with a spring in my step but am mortified to stub my toe against the door and spend the next

17 minutes rolling around on the floor and yelping in agony.

8:41am:     I get up off the floor.

8:42am:     start shaving using my electric razor. I don’t like to use real razor blades as they might cause me to cut

myself. Unfortunately I suffer a serious case of razor burn.

9:05am:     Eat breakfast.

9:07am:     Struck down by heartburn due to a dangerously sharp rice crispy.

9:30am:   Get dressed but suffer a nasty accident as I cut my finger pulling my zip up.

9:45am:   Leave the house and see a sparrow fly past.

9:46am:   Struck down with bird flu.

10:02am:   Knock on Latino’s door – sustain another injury as I get a splinter trapped in my knuckle.

10:29am:   We get our kit together for the game and then take our bikes to the garage to get fuel.

10:32am:   Petrol fumes make me feel slightly light-headed and I have to sit down.

10:34am:   Succumb to full-blown migraine.

11:02am:   Migraine eases off and I’m ready to get on my bike and head off to Offley for today’s game.

11:06am:   Suffer a groin strain getting on bike.

11:07am:   Latino refuses to rub my groin in a bid to help ease groin strain – he’s obviously not willing to take one

for the team.

11:30am:   Set off for the ground.

11:35am:   Stop for a chocolate bar and milkshake.

11:42am:   Hit by attack of indigestion and have to pull over to get my breath back.

12:19pm:   Arrive at the ground and suffer serious injury as a speck of gravel hits me on the wrist as Latino pulls

up alongside me in the car park.

12:23pm:   Tell captain I may have to pull out.

12:24pm:   Another injury blow as captain’s boot accidentally connects with my arse.

12:26pm:   Pass myself fit.

12:41pm:   Help put the boundary rope out.

12:43pm:   Go down with rope burns.

13:30pm:   We win the toss and bat. I’m number seven. Panic attack as I worry that we might collapse and I might

have to face a fast bowler with a new ball.

14:17pm:   We bat well and it doesn’t look like I’ll be needed.

14:39pm:   Hear a dog barking in the distance.

14:41pm:   Check with Latino that I’m not showing any signs of rabies.

15:56pm:   I go out to bat with a handful of overs remaining. I try to intimidate the fielders by swinging my bat

in an arc like they do on television.

15:57pm:   I suffer a seriously sprained shoulder from swinging the bat.

15:59pm:   I face my first ball. The effect of the ball striking the middle of the bat causes an unpleasant

jarring sensation in my wrists.

16:03pm:   Make my way slowly back to the pavilion after wrenching my back in swiping across the line and being

dismissed for a duck.

16:20pm:   Time for tea.

16:21pm:   Cut my lip on a razor sharp crisp.

16:22pm:   Burn my throat with a sip of tea.

16:27pm:   Suffer temporary loss of vision after biting into a piece of orange only for the juice to squirt into my eye.

16:50pm:   Sustain a slight niggle in my ankle as I walk down the pavilion steps as we walk out to field.

17:33pm:   Told to loosen up as I’m coming on to bowl soon.

17:34pm:   First effect of butterflies in my stomach make me feel a little queasy.

17:38pm:   I twist my heel as I mark out my run.

17:42pm:   I bowl a tight first over but then have to go off to go to the toilet.

17:57pm:   Bowled him! I jag a ripper of a delivery back off the seam to get rid of the batsman.

17:58pm:   Hurt my hand doing a high five with Latino to celebrate my wicket.

18:09pm:   Drop a catch – it was really difficult to see because it came out of the sun.

18:10pm:   Someone gives me a consoling pat on the back. It’s a nice gesture but causes me to slip a disc.

18:12pm:   Blurred vision and back pain forces me to remove myself from the attack.

18:27pm:   Suffer another bad ankle injury as I put my foot down a rabbit hole.

18:43pm:   Go down in the long barrier position to stop the ball. I succeed in doing this but the ball strikes me awkwardly and the seam rips open a three-inch wound on my knee.

19:02pm:   Victory!

19:27pm:   Relax in the shower

19:28pm:   Sustain third degree burns under the scalding hot water.

19:47pm:   I buy a bottle of Panda Pops to celebrate. It’s cherry flavour.

19:49pm:   The bubbles go up my nose and I become disorientated and feel my migraine coming back.

20:16pm:   I feel a bit better and elect to celebrate with another bottle of Panda Pops.

20:17pm:   Suffer a burning sensation in my hand as I undo the cap off the bottle.

21:02pm:   Me and Latino head for our bikes and ride off into the night.

21:37pm:   I get home and am hit by another unlucky injury as I trip over the front step.

21:53pm:   Decide to relax for a while by listening to my favourite pop group, The Cheeky Girls.

21:58pm:   Have to turn The Cheeky Girls off because my ears have started to bleed. I seem to have perforated my eardrum.

22:04pm:   I clean my teeth and then have a little accident as I spear my gum with a toothpick. I’m not allowed to use dental floss after I nearly garroted myself by mistake.

22:17pm:   It’s been a long day and I’m ready for bed. I turn off the light and head for bed but smash

my knee against the radiator in the dark.

22:29pm:        I drop off to sleep, ready to dream of five wicket hauls and hoping that I won’t wake up with a bed sore.