A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MATTHEW FREEMAN - aged 21 and three quarters
8:22am: bad start to the day as I reach over to turn off my alarm and sprain my wrist in the process.
8:24am: leap out of bed with a spring in my step but am mortified to stub my toe against the door and spend the next
17 minutes rolling around on the floor and yelping in agony.
8:41am: I get up off the floor.
8:42am: start shaving using my electric razor. I dont like to use real razor blades as they might cause me to cut
myself. Unfortunately I suffer a serious case of razor burn.
9:05am: Eat breakfast.
9:07am: Struck down by heartburn due to a dangerously sharp rice crispy.
9:30am: Get dressed but suffer a nasty accident as I cut my finger pulling my zip up.
9:45am: Leave the house and see a sparrow fly past.
9:46am: Struck down with bird flu.
10:02am: Knock on Latinos door sustain another injury as I get a splinter trapped in my knuckle.
10:29am: We get our kit together for the game and then take our bikes to the garage to get fuel.
10:32am: Petrol fumes make me feel slightly light-headed and I have to sit down.
10:34am: Succumb to full-blown migraine.
11:02am: Migraine eases off and Im ready to get on my bike and head off to Offley for todays game.
11:06am: Suffer a groin strain getting on bike.
11:07am: Latino refuses to rub my groin in a bid to help ease groin strain hes obviously not willing to take one
for the team.
11:30am: Set off for the ground.
11:35am: Stop for a chocolate bar and milkshake.
11:42am: Hit by attack of indigestion and have to pull over to get my breath back.
12:19pm: Arrive at the ground and suffer serious injury as a speck of gravel hits me on the wrist as Latino pulls
up alongside me in the car park.
12:23pm: Tell captain I may have to pull out.
12:24pm: Another injury blow as captains boot accidentally connects with my arse.
12:26pm: Pass myself fit.
12:41pm: Help put the boundary rope out.
12:43pm: Go down with rope burns.
13:30pm: We win the toss and bat. Im number seven. Panic attack as I worry that we might collapse and I might
have to face a fast bowler with a new ball.
14:17pm: We bat well and it doesnt look like Ill be needed.
14:39pm: Hear a dog barking in the distance.
14:41pm: Check with Latino that Im not showing any signs of rabies.
15:56pm: I go out to bat with a handful of overs remaining. I try to intimidate the fielders by swinging my bat
in an arc like they do on television.
15:57pm: I suffer a seriously sprained shoulder from swinging the bat.
15:59pm: I face my first ball. The effect of the ball striking the middle of the bat causes an unpleasant
jarring sensation in my wrists.
16:03pm: Make my way slowly back to the pavilion after wrenching my back in swiping across the line and being
dismissed for a duck.
16:20pm: Time for tea.
16:21pm: Cut my lip on a razor sharp crisp.
16:22pm: Burn my throat with a sip of tea.
16:27pm: Suffer temporary loss of vision after biting into a piece of orange only for the juice to squirt into my eye.
16:50pm: Sustain a slight niggle in my ankle as I walk down the pavilion steps as we walk out to field.
17:33pm: Told to loosen up as Im coming on to bowl soon.
17:34pm: First effect of butterflies in my stomach make me feel a little queasy.
17:38pm: I twist my heel as I mark out my run.
17:42pm: I bowl a tight first over but then have to go off to go to the toilet.
17:57pm: Bowled him! I jag a ripper of a delivery back off the seam to get rid of the batsman.
17:58pm: Hurt my hand doing a high five with Latino to celebrate my wicket.
18:09pm: Drop a catch it was really difficult to see because it came out of the sun.
18:10pm: Someone gives me a consoling pat on the back. Its a nice gesture but causes me to slip a disc.
18:12pm: Blurred vision and back pain forces me to remove myself from the attack.
18:27pm: Suffer another bad ankle injury as I put my foot down a rabbit hole.
18:43pm: Go down in the long barrier position to stop the ball. I succeed in doing this but the ball strikes me awkwardly and the seam rips open a three-inch wound on my knee.
19:27pm: Relax in the shower
19:28pm: Sustain third degree burns under the scalding hot water.
19:47pm: I buy a bottle of Panda Pops to celebrate. Its cherry flavour.
19:49pm: The bubbles go up my nose and I become disorientated and feel my migraine coming back.
20:16pm: I feel a bit better and elect to celebrate with another bottle of Panda Pops.
20:17pm: Suffer a burning sensation in my hand as I undo the cap off the bottle.
21:02pm: Me and Latino head for our bikes and ride off into the night.
21:37pm: I get home and am hit by another unlucky injury as I trip over the front step.
21:53pm: Decide to relax for a while by listening to my favourite pop group, The Cheeky Girls.
21:58pm: Have to turn The Cheeky Girls off because my ears have started to bleed. I seem to have perforated my eardrum.
22:04pm: I clean my teeth and then have a little accident as I spear my gum with a toothpick. Im not allowed to use dental floss after I nearly garroted myself by mistake.
22:17pm: Its been a long day and Im ready for bed. I turn off the light and head for bed but smash
my knee against the radiator in the dark.
22:29pm: I drop off to sleep, ready to dream of five wicket hauls and hoping that I wont wake up with a bed sore.