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Following the exciting news that England star Monty Panesar has teamed up with Walkers to produce Chilli and Lemon flavour crisps, Offley & Stopsley Cricket Club are delighted to announce that they will be releasing their own range of crisps and savoury snacks in order to promote the club’s image and hopefully swell the coffers.

A club spokesman revealed that a number of new and exciting flavours are set to hit the shelves of a supermarket near you as soon as the basic health and safety requirements have been satisfied and head chef Darrell Cooper has gathered all the ingredients he needs.

Plain Crisps – the choice of skipper Steve Bexfield. Plain Crisps are supplied unsalted and offer an interesting and satisfying taste to the individual who knows what he likes and likes what he knows.

Steak and Ale Crisps – Mark Tattersall endorses this part of the range. Tattersall’s well documented love of meat and alcohol makes him the perfect face – and dare one say belly – to promote these delicious crisps.

Ale and Ale Crisps – As befits a genuine all-rounder it’s only fair that Tattersall should have two flavours to choose from when he’s feeling peckish. And after all seasoned Tattersall observers will know that while there’s a time and place for Steak and Ale there’s also a time for Ale and Ale!

Pie Crisps – the taste of a pie in a crisp! A stunning breakthrough in crisp production has resulted in the birth of the Pie Crisp. Crisp aficionado and connoisseur Matthew Freeman has put his name to this exciting range of thick, juicy and succulent crisps that are guaranteed to satisfy even the hungriest batsman. Who needs McCoy’s when you can chomp on a Pie Crisp?

Prawn Crisps – fish salesman Wayne Cutts endorses Prawn Crisps. This flavour blends Cutts’ expertise in the world of tropical fish with his expertise on the cricket field. Just remember, if it bats like a prawn and fields like a prawn it probably is a prawn.

Bombay Duck Crisps – resident duckmonger Rizwan blends the exotic taste of the Orient with his recent run of bad form to launch Bombay Duck Crisps.

Ginger Crisps – flavoured with a hint of ginger this is the signature snack of Richie Barker. Like the total of runs in one of his innings you don’t get many in the bag and they don’t last very long either.

Dangerous Crisps – a lethal cocktail of jalapenos, chilli and peppers combined with a sprinkling of turpentine and diesel this is the crisp for the man with no sense of self-preservation and the only choice of Chris Latino.

Northern Crisps – Darren Lunney is the face behind the exciting blend of Newcastle Brown Ale, tripe and black pudding that has resulted in Northern Crisps. A word of warning to our customers – if you’re with someone who’s eating Northern Crisps we would advise you to ensure that you are sat behind them in the event of a sudden case of projectile vomiting.

Travel Crisps – Running late? Lost? Trapped in the car in the middle of nowhere? Unable to get a signal on your mobile phone or find a shop that’s open on a Sunday afternoon in Therfield, Ickleford or Graveley? This is the perfect choice for you, a no-nonsense, old fashioned crisp that won’t let you down in a crisis. Colin Keeley promotes this part of the range.

Chris Crisps – the favoured choice of wicketkeeper Chris Austin, Chris Crisps are strictly for the connoisseur, coming with edges that are difficult to deal with and no guarantee that you’ll be able to swallow one when it comes your way.

Excuse Crisps – Tired from fitting kitchen cabinets? Tidying up after a barbecue? Waiting for a bed to be delivered? Rescuing your dog from a strawberry patch? Don’t waste your time playing cricket, sit back and enjoy the delights of a packet of Excuse Crisps, as recommended by Steve Hoar and Gary Davison.

Houghton Town Savoury Mix – the snack that’s guaranteed to leave a bitter taste in your mouth! Happy? Joyful? High on life? Need to come down in a hurry? Then try Houghton Town Savoury Mix. Using only the cheapest ingredients such as economy sprouts and butterbeans and a combination of nettle sting and urine, Houghton Town Savoury Mix is the one flavour you need to avoid at all costs. One packet is all you need to wreck your mood and to feel bitter and resentful and wondering why you bothered.